Look at your choices.

The amount of times I've talked, and thought about choices and making them is countless. I've gotten a lot of encouragements, and discouragements based on those that I made, and I am honestly knackered at the thought of the wrong ones I did and regretted, or the ones I've kept on doing just because I had to.

I detest people telling us that we should keep doing the things we do, even though we complain so much about how we don't find ourselves liking it, just because "we don't have a choice." Because the truth is, we do have a choice. We always have a choice. It's just that maybe, the choice we want to do for ourselves, isn't the most practical or the most sensible one and that is why we end up doing things we aren't entirely happy about, in hopes that we can find purpose and light in what we do.

We don't always get warned that the road we choose to take sometimes, have countless detours. The failures, the disappointments, the shit we go through is not a walk in the park, but we should always keep in mind that it is in these difficult times that we allow ourselves to be molded into someone who we want to be, and become someone strong enough to handle these drawbacks in order to get there - wherever that is. After all, detours doesn't really mean that we have entirely lost our way. 

I wish somehow I am hearing myself. The past few weeks have been personally hard for me, and I am always complaining to my friends how perpetually tired I am of the things that I do. My best friend Jade would tell me, she admires how strong I am. "I don't know how you do it. Everyday, you manage to pull yourself out of bed, and go to school even though you loathe it. That just shows how much strength you have within you." I love her. God knows how grateful I am to have people like her in my life. I am so blessed with the kind of friends I have because their patience, and neverending courage to remind me to always look past the negative ones since there are a lot of other things to smile about, keeps me going. I know deep inside, I find myself so weak not wanting to fight the pessimism that I feel and turn them into something positive. I sort of let others mostly influence my decisions and I only do them because what I really want to do isn't really pragmatic. Sometimes, I feel like a dead fish because only dead fishes go with the flow.

I know I can choose to stop. But if I do, what happens next? I don't wanna end up fubar for sure. (Fucked up beyond any repair - yes that's what it meant ang mema ko lang. Lol) 
And all that I know, is that everyday, we continue to keep making choices, and we do not ever stop making them. Most of them ranges from little things like deciding whether or not you should get up in the morning, what you want to have for breakfast, what time do you want to go to sleep, to something rather extensive like, do you still want to continue doing the job that stresses you the hell out but pays you well, over the job that you know you want but can't provide you enough? Who do you want to spend most of your time with? Or will you choose someone you just met but had great connection with, over the other one you've been with for a long time but already felt detached? It may be significant or not, but these certainly help us become who we are, and guide us to where we want to be. All we need is a gentle reminder that everything is going to be okay.

But hey, I also do make good choices. They may not be the best ones but they definitely made an impact somehow, no matter how small they are. I am a firm believer that we won't be in a situation that we can't overcome. We may think that quitting is an option whenever we experience drawbacks in trying to achieve what we want but in the end, it all boils down to how much we really desire for it to be ours. x

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