Fuck you for breaking my heart.

Sometimes, my emotions tend to overflow and last night was one of those nights where I somewhat can't take it all in any longer. I was listening to my pity party playlist, subtly crying myself to sleep (no shame) and suddenly, I feel like I wanted to explode. I stopped myself, took out my phone and typed on my Notes instead. Here it is. Just another breakdown from my reverie.

I want to hate you but I know deep inside, I can't let myself hate someone who I love so much and was willing to drop everything for.

You might not have realized it, but I dropped the person I was with when I met you some time years ago. I dropped my own rules just to have you. I dropped a bit of my self-respect when I chose to continue doing things with you.

So now I'm being pathetic writing all these senseless musings because I know you won't get to read this, and you don't care nor give a fuck about me. I'm being pathetic venting out my feelings that can never be returned. I'm being pathetic because somehow, I have hoped and longed for someone like you - one who can make me laugh and understands me on a weird but special way. Sad to say, you don't feel the same.

Don't guilt trip someone into reciprocating your love, they say.

It's 2 AM and I can write everything that crosses my mind at this hour but you won't even have the slightest idea because you aren't even thinking about me. After all, I am the complication so I am taking myself out of the equation. Distance is a bitch and all that has transpired between us was only fleeting because proximity was my bitch that time.

I still ask myself why we did all those things even though we both know nothing good will come out of it. Why did you make all those efforts for me and somehow made me believe what we felt was real? Why did we keep doing what we do anyway?

But I have to remind myself each night that at the end of the day,
you do not care.
You never have.
You never will.

And goddamnit. It's hard. You will never know the struggles and the stupid lies I tell myself just to not feel broken by you.

"Our time was something of our own."
"We've had our run."

So maybe, just maybe, this is all pointless but I just want you to know I loved you so much but fuck you.

Fuck you for breaking my heart.

xo, Yan

1 comment

  1. That's exactly what I am feeling right now.


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