2:13 AM

February 24, 2018

I still get flashbacks. Reruns of you and me together still kept on playing in my mind. And no one knows how much I cry at night wishing for those moments to happen again. I'd kill for those moments. Sometimes, I wish I can teleport or reincarnate myself into another world — another universe - where we can have each other. Where we don’t have to hide. 

And then I start to hate myself. All because I couldn't even force myself to muster some courage to accept that this madness has to stop. That all the signs and red flags are there but I refuse to acknowledge it and instead I want to rip them all off and burn them. I wanted to go to war and fight. 

But I knew I would be alone. That's why I hate myself because I kept on wanting to fight for someone, who's clearly not willing to do the same. I was so down for you. I was willing to drop everything just to spend time with you and be with you. We had kept secrets. Hidden moments. We promised to not push each other over the cliff. 

Although I know and understand everything deep inside, I'm just scared to admit it. That you're just there for the fun parts. You're all just for those stolen moments and much to my chagrin you're just feeding your ego. Those last-minute revelations wore out all phantasm of hope down the drain. 

Oftentimes, at night, I still think about us. I look at our photos and videos together. I still long for those moments that we had. I yearn for your touch. After all these years, I miss your kiss. After all this time, I still love you. Ours was a bliss.

We can’t be together not because you don’t love me but because you love her more. And that’s what hurts the most. Getting over someone who doesn’t love you back. 

And I, I have just been a passing fancy. A fleeting affection. 

There are days where I’d smile to myself because I know what we had can never be replaced. We crossed that road together. And if given the chance to do it all over again? I would. Because I’d never trade it for anything. 

There are days where I’d close my eyes and day dream, bringing myself into that another universe I was talking about. Where you and I can freely hold each other’s hands and we do not have to hide in the shadows. In that universe, we can freely walk and bask in the sun.

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