Year end drama.

“There is no point in dwelling over something, when we have no control over it.”

This is what I usually tell myself. 
This is what I force myself to believe so that I may feel unbothered, and so that I may find something else to waste my exquisite time with. 

I pulled my comforter over my head and took a deep breath. For the past hour, I’ve been switching between listening to podcasts and reading a book. But my attention span has been going downhill. I cannot focus. Or rather, I wish I can focus into doing both. That’s how much I wanted to overload my mind with other stuff to think aside from you.

My hand reached out to my bedside table, and I got my earphones. I plugged them to my phone and I listened to a random playlist on Spotify. The first song it played was When You Love Someone by Lukas Graham. 

I closed my eyes and tried to take it all in. Wow, fuck you universe and your impeccable timing. In that moment, I felt my chest go heavy, my lower lip started to tremble, and my eyes started to tear up. In that moment, I felt it.

Ew. Pathetic, I know. I don’t like crying over things that I know I cannot change. I don’t like crying over people who I’ve given more attention than they deserve either. But here I am not able to hold back my tears. Ew. 

I sat up on my bed and let out a long, exasperated sigh. And then, my mind started to flawlessly play tricks on me. It started to show me series of situations and string them together, giving me a tinge of hope as if it were damn possible. 

I wiped my eyes, and frowned to myself. “Never.” I whispered.

I’m well aware how crazy I may sound right now - saying how I tell myself not to succumb into senseless thoughts and then torturing myself of thinking more about it. A fucking hypocrite. 

“The mind is powerful, Yaniee. You have to learn to be in control of it and not let it rule you all the time.”

Lol more self talks? Ha. And more self sabotage. 

It continued to tug on my subconscious that from time to time I end up dreaming about it. That’s when I know I was overthinking. 

That’s when I know I have to quit. 

When people can’t choose you, you choose yourself. 
Because you know you’re worth it and you deserve it. 

When people have already made a choice, and it’s not you, then get over your periodic breakdowns and remind yourself that this world is beautiful and complex and you have to find yourself before someone great(er) can find you. 

Thank you, love you, 2018. Goodbye. 

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