This is my answer.




Do you want to get married?


If you'll ask me that question 16 years ago (which will make me 15) you will hear a resounding yes from me. I will even tell you all about my dream guy, dream proposal, and my dream wedding.

But even then, at 15 years old, I was too immature and naive to even know what marriage is all about. What image do I have of it at such a young age, when I still have yet to experience my first break up, my first heartache, and I would have to teach myself to grieve whenever I lose people in my life and learn to accept that they may come and go.

I've always been scared to be alone. Mainly because for the first 10 years of my life, I've been an only child and I guess I can say it's no fun being solo.

Entering in a relationship at a young age, my first boyfriend not only taught me that love isn't always rainbows and butterflies but he also taught me to be strong and fight for whatever "odds" there are thrown at us. Ah, young love. So stupid. The next guy taught me love isn't supposed to be controlling or possessive, and he also taught me to give some and leave more for yourself. My third taught me the best lessons: that I deserve only the best, and he was indeed the best he could be for me. But we didn't last because he also taught me people our age can still get tired of trying. The fourth taught me karma exists. The mistakes and imperfections I had on my previous ones, I tried to fix for myself and I've been a better version of me. I was forgiving, patient, and outgrew probably every "childish" qualities I knew I had because then, I tried to think of the future. He also taught me I can be really stupid for believing he can do the same for me and love me like he said he would.

Of course, who are we even if we haven't been stuck on shitty situations that made us question our morals as a person? Like falling for someone who was clearly committed. And that didn't happen just once.

All these years of learning about how love can really be, made me re-think about my answer to the question.

16 years later...

It's been three long years - probably the longest I've gone without a relationship. I've taken a step back and looked into what I want in life, my priorities, and who I really want to be in the end. For the first time in my life, I almost forgot what it's like to be committed to somebody. I sometimes seem to squirm or get fidgety whenever someone compliments me or tell me they admire me. I begin to think "Ew, me? No. I'm not that great." I start to question the sincerity of their words or actions because to be freaking honest? I'm too old fall for that kind of bullshit. I don't need stained words coming from someone who only knew how to move and put his goddamn best foot forward. 

I've been accustomed to the fact that I'll probably end up being alone and I'm totally fine with that. I'll be living in my apartment, working my arse off in order to go to another country I need to tick off my list. I'll be scrolling through my social media, in my balcony with a wine on my other hand and read about my friends telling the internet how their kids are both annoying and amazing and that they are lucky with their husbands. Then I'll drink my wine and roll my eyes at the same time because I'll probably never have that kind of love but whatever.

But here's another truth: there are also nights where I'd hope there'd be someone designed for me to make me question my decision of wanting to be alone. I'm still waiting for someone to prove something to me and take a chance on me. Someone who not only wants to be in my life for the fun parts but also one who actually wants to stay. Someone who has dreams and ambitions as fierce as I have them so we can do it together. Someone willing to be the best for me because I deserve the best. That's not too much to ask, right?

So if you ask me again: Do you want to get married?

Probably not? It is both an answer and a question I tell myself because I'm not entirely sure to be honest.

It can change. The future is indefinite and that is what makes life fun. We do not entirely know what it will bring.




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